Talent Show - Jan 8
The following do not reflect the views of this particular television company/television show/radio station/newspaper/website/whatever
word spreading mechanism that I have left out
5 Bucks! Worth it or not? Depends on when you asked me. I forget the first act entirely... I guess it couldnt have been
too good then. It was singing if I recall... I'll just leave it at that, you can fill in the empty space. Alright so after
a few painful acts it was time for Barrin Pularrin. Barrin Pularrin did a grand job rising the worth meter up 5 dollars from
-$3 to $2. It was mostly soundproof and entertaining of course. It definitely put everyone in their place and showed people
that there actually was real talent in our school and not all just a bunch of popular kids that everyone thinks can sing because
they're so "cool" or the kids that everyone sees as special that want to get up on stage to show everyone. Now I know I sound
angry and that sentence was so poorly put together but don't get me wrong, I applaud those kids that have the courage to get
up and show that there is more to them than "goat face" or "Quasi McHunch" (as certain people would call them but they shall
remain nameless since they know who they are, whether they want to believe it or not, and because most of everyone else knows
who they are). My point was just that it's a relief to know there really is talent in the school.... and...stuff...
NOW THE GOODIES
Up comes this dancing routine (who will be remained unnamed, but I will give you a hint, name rhymes with Fizzookies &
Where to begin... oh yes... the clearly apparent SUCKASS-NESS
If I may use a very favourite Homer Simpson quote:
"Yeah Moe those sucks sure did suck, I've seen suck but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked"
This "dance routine" was hardly routine at all. It reminded more of a whored (no spelling mistake here) of Bison running
their fat heads into each others filthy asses in mass confusion as they ran for freedom over that cliff that will save them...
or wait... that was more how I felt when I was watching it. Maybe it was just nerves on their part, maybe it was not enough
practice, or maybe it was the loaded shotgun I didn't have for myself, which I should've known from experience to bring.
Things started to look up as the best singing voice probably to have ever been produced from this area was due up to the
stage. Sure the song chosen wasnt a favourite of mine (Skid Cock and Sheryl Crows magnificent duo), nor was the guy chosen
as Skid Cocks role. But hey, Heather McFarlanes voice was as powerful and mind numbingly good as always. Heathers night was
done and she was very impressive, however, sadly enough the person remaining anonymous had still a big act to do I mean if
its a talent show youd think the talent would perform more than the just plain shitty-ness. Theres just no other way to explain
Then after that was finally over some more mediocre to terrible talent came out for a couple acts... then came Myles...
for all of us that were there we can all say it was definitely the most talent displayed at the show bar none (no offense
to anyone who participated in the show and reads this, unless of course you really sucked, it's just Myles was sooo good!).
If anyone is going anywhere in life, especially with music I'm gonna put my hard cold cash on Myles. It was one of the MOST
impressive guitar playings I have ever witnessed first hand. Myles just continues to amazes all. If you weren't there... shame,
shame on you... it was just so good. It was as if Myles took his guitar and made it slap every other participants self-esteem
and knock it down another 12 notches.
The first half of the show was ended by an energetic crew. Can't say it expressed all too much talent, but I guess if I
want to make everyone happy I'll have to say that the ability to make an ass out of yourself is a talent.... too bad I am
not one to make people happy so I'm just gonna say it (those there know exactly of whom I speak), they were fucking terrible!
For those not there, there was this trio of guys that played Dust in the Wind originally by Kansas, but with an Old School
twist. They played it as from the scene from the movie. So after about maybe a minute of that they went off stage, then quickly
came back and sang over "Total Eclipse of the Heart" which was pretty entertaining I guess. Then they finally finish and you're
thinking "Oh good, I really need to take a big shit" BUT THEN! On come the strobe lights (the SJA imitating strobe lights
at least) and the ever so surprising lashing sounds of Linkin Park. Then running out from back stage come the now famous trio
of SJA (2 of the three happen to have panty-hose over their heads) and they just run around, jump and head bang for about...
twice as long as both of their previous acts put together lasted. Then it was all capped off when the one not wearing a mask
of elegance over his head tried to imitate a stage dive... into no fans. Now some will come back with "Well they have the
talent of acting like assholes," Yeah I guess you could say that was acting like assholes... and if it was, headless chickens
also don't mind acting like assholes.
INTERMISSION - Please take this time to recover from the intenseness of the ass fools that got a bigger standing applause
than Myles (which just goes to show the intelligence level of our school and the whole community for one).
Well if all the parents thought that the headless farm animals were cute and funny and thought "this aint so bad after
all" they were about to get a huge reality check by Karpetface. I could feel the energy level of the crowd go from having
a good time to complete terror and thinking "Well I never...." or "What's wrong with kids these days, they all worship the
devil" which really just kicks themselves in the ass because everyone loved the previous kids that were head banging with
fucking panty-hose on their heads. And for that I give Karpetface a virtual pat on the back. The cover of "Freak on a Leash"
was great and brought me back to my days of hating anything that walked/talked/breathed/wasn't in colour/had a mass. The song
reached it's peak at the part where he no longer sings any human language and it gets heaviest and then Adam runs up and starts
head banging in front of the band. It was then that most people were just looking at the walls, checking their cell phone
messages or crying and for that I applaud Karpetface.
After Karpetface then Masters of Ceremonies came out, were hilarious (if this was grade 3 again and opposite day existed)
and witty to boot.
The next act that was worth remembering was Justin Boudreau and Zach Frampton. An act with real talent (which was sadly
outnumbered by the bad acts). It was quite impressive I must say (struggling for words as I am salivating to get to the last
act). The vocals were really great and as was the rest. You can always count on Justin and Zach to be fundamentally sound
which was exactly what their act was. I think even with their established name in the local music it still impressed a lot
of people... a lot....
Ok folks, here it is, your headlining act! (cheers) We saved them for last because, well, they're popular, they play every
sport the school is involved in, sound like the never practice, and have little to no musical talent at all.... So that must
mean that they're the one we all came to see... right?...
I think that opening little tidbit there pretty much sums up the final act. Which was lead by the more popular kids in
on every sport known to the face of the entire frigickin' planet. It started off with Denis Leary's "Asshole Song" which is
a great song in itself and I didn't expect them to get into the chorus since it has coarse language in it. So surely enough
just before the chorus they break into another tune... No, not an Ac/Dc tune as the guitarist's shirt would have you believe
but it was 50 Cent (I'm not even going to use quotations for the song title) in da club (or caps for that matter). Angus Young
would slap and kick some faces if he was there. So after the pleasant rendition of an even more pleasant song which got lots
of cheers (as did the fart which made Cailean puke) it was time for everyone's favourite rednecks... no not Kid Rock and Unkle
Kracka accompanied by Pamela Anderson depending on who she wants to fuck that week... I'm talking about Three Doors Down...
You know the band that has two smash hits... that superman one and the one that's resurfaced about three times in the last
three Three Doors Down singles (maybe there's more to their name than meets the eye...). The songs themselves were terrible
enough (excluding Denis Leary) but the covers were even worse... oh and who can forget the highlight singing of our next SJA
Idol favourite... That's right... my ass after I down two super sized bowls of fucking hardcore Mexican chili. Strangely enough
I have taught it to sing out of key too...
Merry Christmas and to all a good night,
-Matt Peters (Vote Matt)
The statements above are legally prohibited by law to personally sue the person who wrote them... so too fucking bad
The good people I gave their names, the bad... I kind of figured "performing" for that many people is embarrassment enough.
WRITER'S NOTE: There were other talented acts, there was some other good singers and instrument players and so on but to
just write about the highlights took enough time out of my life.
The proceeding was brought to you by : Matt Peters Bad Article-ish Writing Inc.